A Night of Literary Stars at the Little Star Salon

Last Thursday I played the role of Sound Guy at a salon hosted by the journal Little Star. The party planner, the vivacious Elena Siyanko, told me she’d feel better having someone next to her as she set up the AV equipment. Excited to have entry to the reading – which featured Jamaica Kincaid, Mark Strand, and others – I volunteered, though I wasn’t sure I’d know what I was doing.

I ended running the sound during the reading, sitting on stage as it were with the authors.

The night unfolded in what could have been the set of a Woody Allen movie, this rambling Harlem brownstone with an expansive sunken kitchen dominated by a black behemoth of an oven, pop art sharing wall space with family photos, and books crammed everywhere, in some rooms from floor to ceiling. The lighting, somewhat yellowed at the edges, added to the filmic atmosphere. As did the audience, packed with writers, agents, and the like in various states of finery, from trim black suits to elbow-patched corduroy coats. Or in Siyanko’s case, a lovely dress that looked made of crimped paper. A good number of people spoke Russian. It could only be New York.

Kincaid lead the line-up, looking like a figure from the Harlem Renaissance in a long, powder blue dress and pillbox hat, with white socks turned down so their embroidered edges splayed over her brown leather shoes. She read an excerpt of a novel-in-progress—I didn’t catch the title if she even gave one. The narrative was in a modernist, stream-of-consciousness vein. She warned at the start that the sentences would be long and some of the references lost, and they were. But no matter. Her angular prose was resplendent. Its lyricism blurred into poetry, especially as the images gathered thick over the course of the rambling lines.

A story lurked in the details about the narrator’s sister, “the beautiful Penelope,” and his brother Herodotus, and something about a mother who he wished dead. A narrative of mythic proportion, to be sure. To hear Kincaid’s honeyed, slightly accented voice reading was both immersive – I felt like a kid, lulled by her cadence into a relaxed reverie – and extremely funny when she delivered a joke or cursed. Like hearing a queen say “shit!”

Kincaid’s interest in the sound of language – she said, for example, that the family lived in a house once occupied by Shirley Jackson simply because she loved the way Shirley Jackson’s name sounded when repeated throughout the piece – reminded me of the novelist Lynne Tillman. A couple of years ago I interviewed Tillman for my MFA thesis, and asked about how she developed the richly textured voice of her novel American Genius, A Comedy. She spoke about the rhythm of music, and Ray Charles in particular, and how she heard the narrator’s voice in her head as she wrote. She said that when developing the character, the sound of that voice preceeded the setting or the movement of the situation. Kincaid’s project seemed similar.

Poet Mark Strand took the stage after Kincaid, deadpanning that after Jamaica’s poetry, he was going to read rather pedestrian prose pieces about “nothing.” I immediately liked him because of this Seinfeld approach, whether the reference was intentional or not I don’t know.

His poems (for despite what he said, that’s what they were) blew me away. It was funny, always, and full of insight about relationships and masculinity and aging. Though a sorrowful pall hung over them, they never became depressive. My favorite involved a man who realized that his every word and action created a self who was not quite himself. He apologized to his wife, as she would never know who he truly was. But she dismissed this, saying that she could always see the real him beneath the multitude of fake ones that had passed before her during the years. It captured something real and tender about relationships, especially the way that men sometimes feel their wives understand them better than they understand themselves.

At one point in between poems Strand said he would read “a few more – perhaps twenty.” And while everyone laughed, I think we would have been game for him to go through his entire collection.

Three readers from Little Star took the stage afterward, the standout being Cynthia Zarin, whose wondrous house we were in. She read two pieces from The Ada Poems and one from Little Star #2, all were lovely. She also, like Kincaid and Strand, had a powerful presence. Gazing off a bit into the distance, her voice dropping just low enough so that you had to lean forward a bit to hear her. And no, that wasn’t a fault of my running sound, it was the way she managed her tone to draw you in. I would’ve loved to have heard more from her.

Afterward, the event devolved into wine and cheese and a lengthy conversation on the couch with my friend, super-agent Erin Harris. I dropped my persona and relaxed, happy to fade back into the crowd. After a while the chairs disappeared and the theater space returned to a sitting room, or perhaps a dining room. I accompanied Harris into the brisk spring night to find a cab back to Brooklyn. Though the specifics of the reading faded fast, as these things tend to when you haven’t seen the work on the page, the feel of the language lingered. Like a haunting film, I took the mood with me, and it colored how I saw the city on the ride home. New York never looked more beautiful, and I felt witness to a secret part of it.

Posted in Events | 1 Response

Watching Television with Mr. F

My latest Fathering from the Hip column – Hey Parents! Your Kids Are Going to Be Fine – brought me this question from Julie:

How long before you allowed TV to be a part of the day?

Well, we started out with the “TV isn’t good for a baby” mentality, but that quickly changed.

There was this night in his second or third month that Mr. F refused to go back to sleep after nursing. My wife and I tried all the usual tricks for a while, but our patience was thin — we were in the middle of dinner and an episode of Battlestar Galatica. Fans of that series will understand: you don’t stop watching before the end. (Especially if we’re talking about the first three seasons.)

So we propped him in his swing chair and he watched it with us – seeming to pay special attention to the lovely Caprica 6, I might add – till he dozed off. After that, we had him in front of the TV every night!

No, I’m kidding. But that moment did mark the start of our anti-television stance eroding, in part because it gave us a reality check. The fussy kid calmed down and quickly fell asleep. It had us asking: Is exposing your child to television in small, controlled doses really such a big deal?

In part, such exposure is unavoidable – screens are everywhere.

The bagel shop down the street has a flat-screen mounted on the wall, as do our local supermarkets and even some cafes. Friends and family might have it on when we’re visiting, and in another person’s house I try to be a good guest, sublimating my personal preferences to those of my host. Or at least not making a big stink when the food isn’t organic, or I’m given paper napkins, or we prepare dinner with Cash Cab on in the background. That things are done different is part of the fun (and stress) of being away from home.

(I will put my foot down when my dad tries to watch Judge Judy with me, though. We all have limits.)

Besides these outside influences, the computer on our kitchen counter is nearly always on, acting as a reference for weather and recipes, and a juke box. Mr. F first became familiar with it as a way of connecting with family via skype or by looking at digital photos. The kid loves reviewing his short past.

As the cold weather rolled into town and then decided to stay for a brutally cold winter, we began showing him YouTube videos of Sesame Street skits. Then we found out when The Street airs on our local PBS, and from then on Elmo became a part of our daily life.

At the heart of any parent’s attitude toward television is both how you were raised and how you want to raise your kid. I grew up watching Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers while my mom did dishes in the kitchen or folded laundry nearby. Once my programs ended she switched off the tube, so television never dominated my day. Books, drawing, and fresh air held greater appeal. I’m not scared that Mr. F will become a screen zombie.

The amount of time you spend with your child also factors in. I’m sure parents who pay for full-time childcare can dictate “no television” and expect (or hope) that the provider abides. As a stay-at-home dad I’m my own boss — or should I say that Mr. F’s the boss. Sometimes I utilize the TV to keep him tethered while I prepare our lunch or complete some other chore. (Like pooping.) And when he’s in a bad mood or I’m tired, vegging out together helps us navigate the rocky waters.

Mr F is not yet two, and it’s rare for him to watch TV for longer than fifteen or twenty minutes before getting antsy. When he does sit for longer, its usually because I’m with him, talking about what we’re watching. I model viewing TV with a discerning eye and alert mind because I want him to be digitally literate, just as I demonstrate active reading or good hygiene.

So in moderation – which is an amount that will differ for every child based on age and temperament – I don’t think there’s anything wrong with television for a child even at a very young age. Of course, I’m no neurologist. Could be that I’m rotting his brain!

Posted in Fathering From the Hip | 2 Responses

The Appeal of the Flawed – In Fiction as on American Idol

I love watching creative competitions like So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway, and even the somewhat annoyingly edited America’s Next Top Model and Hell’s Kitchen. (How to stretch a little material into a dramatic hour? Repeat all the flash points at least twice, and add a dash of crazy host.)

I’m fascinated by any glimpse into the process of making things, but for nine seasons I avoided and reviled American Idol. The power ballads, the time commitment, Paula’s inanity, Simon’s smugness. Nothing appealed. Until this year when, at first just curious about the new judges, I’ve become hooked.

For those of you smart enough to not be on the Idol bandwagon, Thursday night’s shocking results show saw the frontrunner failing to receive enough votes to continue. Pia Toscano had the strongest voice of the top ten and the beautiful grace of a pop diva. Like any star, she pulled your eye to her even among the crowd of talented competitors. So what happened?

Perhaps she was too good.

The cliché is that people are drawn toward flawed characters, and that’s what contestants become on these shows – characters in a narrative, a march to the finale and the crown of victory. As much as the judges might laud a performer’s critical merits, the winners rise based on their emotional appeal to the audience at home. They have a goofy sense of humor or a shy awkwardness that they transcend in performance, or they take risks that don’t always pan out. Better still, they start out shaky before they straighten out and soar. It happens time and again in these programs: the early standouts crash and burn if they consistently ride too high.

This applies to characters in fiction as well, and no author comes to my mind as practicing this better than Stephen King. His protagonists are smart but anti-intellectual, have strong values but are often anti-establishment, are sometimes down-on-their luck, perhaps dealing with some kind of addiction or else on the run from past demons (which in King can be taken both literally and figuratively).

He came up in my interview with Karen Russell, more of which was published last week on the literary and arts site The Millions. Russell said:

It’s weird to me that King is as popular as he is, you know? Because of the places he goes. That’s an acknowledgement of how weird we all must be, and how we love the dark. I feel like he’s some organ, doing extrasensory processing for all of us!

She’s right – King goes to some dark places, not only by populating his novels with the most horrible creatures in mythology and legend, but by creating characters flawed in psychology, situation, and circumstance. As familiar and true as the threats they face are unreal, they grab at our heart and pull us into the story. We want them to not only vanquish evil, but turn their lives around. And in his most affecting novels – The Shinging, Pet Sematary, Needful Things – they spiral downward, page after compelling page.

So maybe getting voted off Idol on Thursday will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to Pia’s career. People love an under-dog, especially one fighting for the spoils she was due. But an over-achiever? Not so much, obviously.

Posted in My Take On..., The Millions, Writing News | 1 Response

The Sleepless Saga Continues

My latest Fathering from the Hip column tells of the epic struggle to regain control of our nights after Mr. F turned nocturnal. And man, was it nutty. The thing is, the story’s not over.

F’s become terrified of being left alone in his crib during the day. It’s funny — he wants to be put in there sometimes, but only to tell me about how he hates it. He indicates with much gesturing and moaning that he hits his head on the sidebars, and he hears our upstairs tenants on the steps. Sometimes he recounts his nighttime tantrums. I’m not sure why he’s telling me this, or for what purpose. Because it’s on his mind? It upsets him? Or is there something else? At times like this, living with a toddler is like co-habitating with an alien life form.

I assure him that everything’s OK, but obviously it’s not. Because he refuses to nap in the crib without screaming his head off and melting into a sweaty, purple-faced mess. My solution has been to lie with him on our futon until he drifts off, then sneak off to do some work. Some days this goes fine, with him resting for two hours and me quietly typing away nearby. Others he struggles and kicks and makes one request after another, refusing to settle. I can’t figure out any pattern. He’ll seem just as tired one day as the next, but not go down.

I’m convinced that communication problems lay at the heart of his sleep problems. I can’t assuage his fears because I’m not sure of their cause, nor can I convince him to at least have some quiet time during the day (if not fall asleep) because he doesn’t understand my words.

Or maybe I’m over-exagerating the power of logic and language. Could be the kid’s just too excited to power down even for a short while, and no amount of reasoning would get through to him.

Whatever the case, there’s not much to do but hope for a good day and trust that this phase, like so many others, will soon come to an end. Ideally with him deciding to go back to napping alone, and not rejecting naps entirely. Because while he might not need to recharge in the middle of the day, I sure do!

Posted in Daddy Moments, Fathering From the Hip | 1 Response

What This Teaches Us about That

A few years ago I realized that my writing, teaching, and practice of yoga shared certain underlying tenets.

In each, action requires confidence and intention. A surety of presence is required to achieve grace, whether that presence manifests across the page, in the classroom, or on a yoga mat. Strength calls for flexibility. A sense of humor helps. Success constantly moves, staying one step ahead. You can always do more and be better!

Perhaps I was overly influenced by reading Zen in the Art of Archery (or The Crying of Lot 49), but I loved the idea of underlying connections behind everything I do, and since then several pieces have sprung to mind comparing one thing (such as yoga) to another (parenting).

In actuality, such pieces may be reductive and trite, and tend toward an annoying advice-column smugness. And really, given enough imagination and time, it’s possible to draw connections between anything you’re really passionate about. So it was with some trepidation that I embarked on my latest Huffington Post piece, What Writing Teaches Us about Parenting.

Over drafts I tried to tone down the pontification and stiffness that comes when I write essays in the grand reflective vein as opposed to those driven by anecdotes, like my column pieces. Honestly, what kept me going was that I enjoy this kind of exercise, and did think I had something to say.

It also felt good owning the term “writer.” When I first started contributing to HuffPo, I made sure stay-at-home father came first in my bio blurb because of a crisis of confidence about work, or lack thereof.

No more.

Posted in The Huffington Post | Leave a comment

One from the Vaults

I have a piece up on The Good Men Project that I’m especially proud of. The Score: Life Lessons from a Strip Club is one of the first things I wrote that made me feel like maybe I could in fact write well. It came out of an assignment for the excellent Writing New York Stories class at Cooper Union, and I performed it at the Bowery Poetry Café with my classmates.

The topic isn’t one that sits well with every reader, and the essay sparked a few flames in the comments section. I take these with a grain of salt. The anonymity of the internet tends to bring out people’s vitriol, something I also witnessed when I wrote about the necessity of pregnancy leave for The Huffington Post. There, a bunch of fiscally conservative anti-taxation readers spouted off about my wanting the government to fund children that people couldn’t afford to raise themselves—which wasn’t really what I was saying at all. I quickly realized that not only did I lack the economic theory to combat some of the more detailed-oriented demagogues, but it was a losing battle anyway. They weren’t interested in dialogue so much as they wanted a platform to piss off anyone who supported the idea of pregnancy leave.

On The Score, the comments are of a far more personal nature—one attacking my status as a “real man,” another claiming my wife settled for less when she married me. My intention was that the piece be both light-hearted and thoughtful, a tone I tried to carry through in my responses to the commenters. I thought some of the readers were taking the piece a little too seriously, but perhaps that’s a result of how, when writing non-fiction, I tend to become both closer to the subject—discovering ideas, motives, and feelings that lurk beneath the surface of my consciousness—and paradoxically, more distant. In the process of shaping and creating a strong essay, choices are made on phrasing and structure that take me further and further afield from the present moment, so that sometimes I read old pieces and recognize less myself and more a version of myself, a character who is me but not quite me. Because of that, time helps in the editing process, allowing me to respond less to the situation itself and more to the description of the situation in the work. So it was a surprise to see some people responding so angrily and personally to the events described in The Score, which at this point happened some years ago.

All this to say that I’m really glad this piece finally saw publication, especially at The Good Men Project—home to many humorous and honest (and at times wonderfully neurotic) explorations of masculinity. I feel a real kinship to the work there.

I would love to know what the followers of this blog, some of whom I’m sure found me because of my writing on parenting, think of The Score.

Posted in Good Men Project | Leave a comment

What A SAHD Is Made Of, Just Posted and Already Revisited

My latest Fathering from the Hip column, What a Stay-at-Home Dad Is Made Of, went up this past Monday. In it, I muse on how a stay-at-home parent needs to hold “the belief that the emotional gains outweigh the financial, professional, and intellectual ones, that the love and selflessness of good parenting makes one feel more rich than any amount of worldly treasures.”

Ok, that and a lot of patience.

And some days, this SAHD just doesn’t have it.

Earlier today, for example, before jaunting off to Chinatown, F was testing–constantly. Not unusual behavior for a toddler. Instead of closing doors, he slammed them so hard that the doorknobs made dents in the wall. He scattered cereal all over the floor and raisins across the couch. Changing his diaper brought on a seizure of rage, putting on his jacket brought even worse hysterics. Like I said, nothing unusual or beyond the pale at this stage. But we were pressed for time, and it’s Wednesday, which means I’ve had several days of this already, and I’m tired from dealing with the bugger’s sleep problems. (More on that some other time.)

So instead of meeting these transgressions with calm, rational corrections, keeping in mind those Public Service Announcements on PBS which preach “kids learn how to handle emotions by watching you”, I dropped a few F-bombs and strapped Lil’ Napoleon in his highchair on time out. Later in the day, when he wasn’t coming when I called, I threatened to break his legs and drag him after me like a pull-toy.

Alright, so the latter comment was made in jest. But the yelling in the morning came from the heart. What can I say? Sometimes the bastard wears you down in little ways. And sometimes even a stay-at-home dad needs a mental health day. Or two.

Which is why I’m grateful the mum-in-law is coming for a visit tomorrow!

Posted in Fathering From the Hip | Leave a comment

Yet More Confessions of a Fallible Father

My second Fathering from the Hip column, Confessions of a Fallible Father, posted yesterday. From the piece:

The heart and the head. In parenting dilemmas these desires are often at odds, which is why navigating the many daily decisions of childrearing is so difficult and nerve wracking.

A challenge I face even as I write this, and Mr. F sobs up in his crib. He’s been asleep for about twenty minutes but just woke up, thus continuing what has now been almost a month of really short naps. So short, they’re not naps at all. More like he closes his eyes and then snaps them open, ready to cuddle — our end-of-nap routine. I’ve tried all manner of soothing to lull him back down, to no avail.

His sleep deprivation has been taking a toll on both of us: I’m not able to get much done or recharge, which makes me irritable, and he’s a walking melt-down by the time his mom comes home from work. I’m sure it contributed to his falling ill as well. The kid just needs more rest.

But though my heart tells me to run up there and see what’s the matter, my head tells me I know the routine by now. He wants a hug, be rocked, and have his hair stroked, and I’ll find an hour slipping by with my constantly attuning to him while he lies there in a not-quite-asleep twilight state.

Today he’s going to have to cry it out — the father says with a determination he doesn’t quite feel. But seriously, how else will the kid learn?

Thou shalt respect the nap!

Posted in Fathering From the Hip | Leave a comment

Introducing My New SAHD Column

Yesterday my column Fathering from the Hip debuted on Prospect Heights Patch with A Brief History of Drinking with My Baby, a piece about bringing F out to bars. (Because what typifies the stay-at-home dad experience better than afternoons in a pub with baby?)

I’m excited to have another forum through which to share my reflections on fatherhood, but honestly a bit nervous about the regularity of a column. So for now I’m happy that my posts will be going up every other week. (Less pressure.) I hope you’ll follow along!*

Am wondering if there are any columnists I should be aware of, either to swipe possible topics or to serve as models. Once upon a time — in the good ole days when spending a Sunday morning pouring over the New York Times wasn’t unheard of — I followed Frank Rich, but he’s not writing quite in the same vein. I’d appreciate any suggestions if you have ‘em!

* For people who utilize RSS feeds: There’s no feed specific to Fathering from the Hip, but I’ll post links on this blog whenever a new piece goes up — the feed to which you can find here.

Posted in Fathering From the Hip | Leave a comment

Stars Aligned

I finished reading Patti Smith’s National Book Award winning memoir, Just Kids, and was struck by how, when Smith had her breakthrough poetry reading at St. Mark’s Church — the first time she performed with Lenny Kaye on guitar and began treading in the direction of her seminal album Horses — she had already done a lot of work to get herself noticed. Well, some of it was work anyway. Some of it luck too.

Smith and her constant companion Robert Mapplethorpe wanted to insuniate themselves into the art world, and so hung out at Max’s Kansas City in the hopes of meeting Andy Warhol. They didn’t, but did manage to get themselves accepted into Warhol’s crowd. Smith was also writing rock reviews and articles, coming into contact with stars like Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. And, as fortune would have it, she began an intense romantic affair with a drummer named Slim Shadow who in fact turned out to be playwright Sam Shepard. Mapplethorpe was making his way as well, and worked on Smith’s behalf to score her the reading, a prestigious spot opening for Gerard Malanga, a performance artist and poet popular with the art crowd.

So when Smith gave her reading, luminaries from Warhol to Lou Reed to Shepard were in attendance. She blew them away, left them buzzing. And publishing and recording contracts came her way. She didn’t actually sign a recording deal at the time — she went on to polish her chops. But basically, after this reading the question wasn’t so much would she make an album, but when.

I love reading about how artists learn their craft, and how they find some level of success. Malcolm Gladwell’s claim in the book Outliers that one must put in roughly 10,000 hours of practice in order to achieve mastery at a skill made a great impression. (And helps keep me at it when my inner editor tells me my work is junk!)

A story like Smith’s imparts the lesson that it’s not just mastery, it’s also who is aware of you. Her’s is an interesting study of how this happened before the internet, when an artist who wanted to meet Warhol could actually go to where he hung out. Social networking on a small scale, and in the real world. But networking none-the-less.

As much as I — an introvert who often feels awkward in social settings, or not nearly as interesting as I would hope to be, if not a downright asshole after a couple of drinks — don’t like to admit it, stars don’t just pop out of the black sky and announce themselves. It takes others to notice them and place them in their constellations.

At least Smith gives me some hope. (As does David Byrne, who claims his personality was borderline Asperger’s Syndrome as a youth.) She has such an unusual personality, but if she can do it…

Posted in My Take On... | Leave a comment